Forget everything I said.

He has been crying inconsolably since I posted that last entry, with no clear reason as to why - outside of his mother's cocky assertion that she has this all figured out.

Touche.

Consuming a record number of resources on soothing.

Be back when the crying has ceased.

We are settling into a bit of a groove and it feels so good.

Everyone is a little more familiar with each other, which means better understanding what the different cries mean, and in turn handling each accordingly.

For example, this photo features the "I hate being naked" cry (or it could be "I don't want my new belly button photographed" but pretty sure it is the former). There is the "I'm hungry cry" which is unmistakably loud, overly dramatic, and usually involves a lip quiver - all in the span of about 15 seconds, it's not like I'm starving the little guy.

In total there are about five cries, which actually makes it relatively easy to get to the bottom of things. Unless of course it is the fussy cry, which has no root and usually requires a lot of walking, bouncing, and gliding to get through.

But ironically there is serenity in knowing why the crying is happening, even though it is still as loud and persistent and sometimes unstoppable.

You have to celebrate these milestones too, especially on the days when you're unbelievably tired. These victories give me the confidence to make it another day.

And of course his little face helps tremendously. Even the crying face makes me smile :)

Introductions

Many have asked how our first 'baby' has adapted to the addition of Ben - and I really couldn't have hoped for a better response.

A friend at work gave me a book about integrating dog and newborn. After reading the first 15 pages, I realized I had violated every suggestion they had (pay less attention to the dog in the weeks leading up to bring newborn home, practice walking with the stroller ahead of time, etc.), so I quit reading it and hoped for the best.

One thing we did do was bring one of Ben's blankets home from the hospital for Stella to get his smell before he arrived. She was very interested in this and sniffed the heck out of it so perhaps it really worked, hard to say...

But from the moment he came through the door, she has been fantastic. She initially welcomed him with curiosity, followed by a big lick in his ears, and has since taken a great interest in his feet. She kisses him when he sleeps and when he whimpers. She periodically peers into his cradle when he is sleeping to check on him. And she has ridden out even the worst crying spells with the rest of us.

I think the first week was the worst of it for her, when I barely had a chance to look at her twice given all that was going on. Now we're almost back to our regular routine, albeit slightly later in the day. She is still sleeping in our bed and climbing under the covers in the middle of the night. Though I detect more careful moves from her as she checks out the scene to ensure Ben isn't nearby. And I'm trying to get our morning walks back on schedule. Today we took a big, wonderful walk and everyone loved it.

I look forward to watching them get to know each other as time passes. Maybe Ben will even help Stella get over her fear of skateboards and basketball players, though that may still be down the road a bit...until then, we're grateful for the shared kisses.

Happiest Baby on the Block

Everyone talks about the lack of sleep during the first few weeks of bringing home a newborn. There is really no way to prep for it b/c you'd never subject yourself to this schedule otherwise.

You imagine the most tired you've ever felt and rationalize that you will be able to deal. The problem with this philosophy is that (I'd guess) the most tired you've ever felt was the result of one or two nights of bad or little sleep. With a baby, you're talking night after night of little sleep. Even with the perfect baby, they are feeding every couple hours for almost an hour, so you're basically just patching together a night of naps. Over time, this results in a little bit of delirium in anyone.

One thing I find curious, of all the advice you hear and receive, no one tells you how bad the first night is. Yet, after the fact, when talking about it with others, everyone agrees that is the worst ever. Take note, those who haven't been through it. I would have been comforted in knowing this in advance...

Anyway, sleep is the allusive prize parents go to bed seeking every night. Baby decides whether or not they will receive it. We had been achieving pretty average odds. Ben likes to sleep in his swing - the motion is calming to him - but whether he would get in and fall asleep was another matter.

A friend responded to our tired cries with the DVD "Happiest Baby on the Block" - basically a 'back to the womb' philosophy that involves Swaddling, laying baby's on their Side, Sucking, Swinging and Shhing - the Five S's. It recreates the atmosphere of the womb to calm the baby and I have to tell you, it really works.

Two nights does not a streak make, however it does give us confidence (and a little rest), to keep moving forward. Ben loves the swaddle - which we hadn't been using at all. And when hubby gets him in the side position he almost always immediately quiets. This allows him to go into his swing and sleep peacefully.

Of course there are still the other variables of hunger and a dirty diaper that can get in the way, but it does seem to offer a consistent solution that relaxes him. A great relief after a hysterical night earlier this week that nearly had me in tears. It is so hard to hear them upset, especially when you can't figure out how to make them happy.

Fortunately we've found the swaddle and that is a comfort to all of us...

Happy 2-week Birthday Ben!

We marked the day with a trip to the pediatrician to see how we're growing. Good news - he has gained almost a pound, up to 8.1 lbs from his discharge weight of 7.4. And he has grown 1.5 inches in length! All normal and good. And the weight gain means the breastfeeding is going as nature intended.

I found pictures tonight of hubby as a baby, they are twins.

Thank you!

A big thank you to grandma and grandpa for all their help last week. They loved the skin right off of Ben, did a record number of loads of laundry, cooked meals, ran errands, you name it. We loved that they could spend so much time with Ben while he was still tiny and fresh, and appreciated all the support around the house!

Thank you!!

An Outie!

Marking a major milestone - Ben lost his umbilical cord this morning! Hubby was holding him in bed after a feeding, I looked over and his little belly button was staring back at me (an outie). Sure enough, the little dried up cord was wrapped up in his swaddle blanket.

I find myself thrilled (we can take baths now), proud (he is growing up), and a little sad too. He is already outgrowing some of his newborn clothes. It is going by so fast already!

But with it also comes fun advancements - he is following colorful objects with his eyes and even turns his head to track them. He lays in his playgym and focuses on the dangling toys. And looks at pictures when we are reading.

Tomorrow we have our two week peds appointment where we'll confirm he is putting on weight and that all else is going well.

LABOR

(Warning- potential for TMI)

The month leading up to my due date, I started tivoing birthing shows on TLC. People say you can't really prepare for your labor experience, need to be flexible b/c things change quickly, but I thought if I watched others go through it I would at least have a sense of what to expect.

The thing is, most everyone featured is doing childbirth naturally, and there are 15 people in the room. Coaches, midwives, doulas, family members - helping support the mother.

So when my nurse and doctor gathered at the end of my bed and told me it was time to start pushing, I really didn't get that it was 'game-on.'

I had been put on a pitocin drip, in partnership with my epidural. I had been very fearful of the pitocin b/c I'd heard it was extremely painful. In my case it was necessary to help speed up the frequency of the contractions, and get the little puppy out. It wasn't really that painful, relatively speaking.

The day went by pretty quickly. The nurse was switching me from side to side periodically b/c the baby's heartrate was fluctuating, and going a bit lower than they liked to see. Turning helps shift the baby, and they thought maybe relieve stress on his cord.

Hubby and I both took a nap. I'd heard women say this and never really understood how it was possible. But the epidural makes you so sleepy and numb (seriously, it is the BEST thing I've EVER experienced, college years included), and it takes awhile for the contractions to speed up to a productive place.

Anywho, I had been 2cm at admission; 4cm by the time I had gotten upstairs. Suddenly, mid-nap, about eight people rushed into the room and there was a flurry of activity. The baby's heartrate had dipped significantly.

They propped me up on my hands and knees, strapped an oxygen mask to my face and started rubbing my belly (meanwhile all I could think about is my naked butt flailing in the air - labor is so not pretty).

The doctor checked me in a 9cm. I had progressed from 4cm to 9cm in about 30 minutes.

Once the baby's heartrate regulated, everyone left. It was just hubby, me, my sis, the nurse and the doctor again, and they said it was time to get started. They turned down the epidural so I could better feel the contractions (not that bad), and we got down to business.

It is hard to explain how it all goes down but really it is pretty simple. You feel the contraction coming, you push (really, really hard) for 10 seconds/three times in a row, and then wait for the next one. You need the contractions coming quickly enough that you don't lose progress or momentum in between each set. You are literally pushing the baby down the birth canal.

It didn't seem like I was making any headway with my efforts (because I couldn't feel anything - again, xo epidural) but then the doctor asked hubby if he could see the head coming. The head?! And soon she said, "we have eyebrows"...and then there was more pushing, and breathing and contracting and pushing.

And then there was a baby.

Hubby shouted "Balls!" -- and thus, we had a boy :)

He didn't cry right away, which also contradicts what you see on TV. But no one seemed concerned. The doctor made some comment about a 'triple necklace' or something, his cord was wrapped around his neck three times. Again no one seemed concerned and I was still processing the enormity of the whole experience. She unwrapped him and I remember being struck by how long the cord was.

And then baby Ben was on my chest. Slippery and bloody and even more confused than I was.

There is really no way to explain the emotions other than to state the obvious - it is a miracle.

Tuesday's New Activities

Today after his 7am feeding, Ben laid in bed for almost an hour completely alert and checking out his surroundings.

It is amazing to watch him as his eyes focus on various things. He is learning to use his hands, squeezing anything that he comes into contact with. He pumps his fists in the air. He wiggles his legs - putting pressure down in a way that you can imagine will eventually help him learn to walk.

He is gathering strength in his neck. When on his tummy he can lift himself up ever so slightly to check things out. And with some effort, turn his head from side to side on his own.

My heart melts when he looks at me and I can't get over the excitement of watching him do each new thing, regardless how small. It's like you can see the wheels beginning to turn inside his head.

Monday morning, 3/9

As promised, the first update of the actual labor and delivery...

My water broke at home at 5:30am on Monday. It was much less dramatic than I had imaged it would be, thankfully. I worried, as I'm sure every expecting woman has, that I would just burst onto the scene at a less than opportune time. In reality, I went to the bathroom and came back to bed to notice it seemed like I was still going. I returned to the bathroom, and noted it was a pretty steady stream. I woke up hubby and let him know I was going to call the doctor. She ordered us in to triage.

I hadn't had any contractions yet so we both showered, got our things together, even made coffee, before getting out the door. By the time we got into the car, the contractions had started but were still pretty far apart.

As recommended by every woman I have spoken with over the last 10 months, I requested the epidural right away. It seemed a little silly b/c the contractions didn't hurt yet but the fear of going without won over.

In the end this was the right decision - because I was being monitored for pre-eclampsia, they wanted to run blood work before administering the epidural. This took about a half hour. In the meantime they took us upstairs to Labor and Delivery. By the time the person came to do the injection, there was a line of 10 people behind me so the timing was perfect.

Next up, Labor and Delivery...

Not to mention the contractions had gotten more serious and I was getting a sense of why only 3% of Prentice patients deliver naturally...

Our second support shift has arrived - aunt Carrie left this morning and my parents arrived this afternoon.

Everyday we get a little smarter, learn a few more tricks that make this whole thing a bit easier. It is a facinating experience. He is so awesome, I can't even do him justice by trying to write it out.

Not surprising, my biggest challenge is taking things easy so I bounce back faster. I've already been scolded for overdoing it...but who is surprised? I'm neurotic, type A and have been on bedrest since mid-Feb. And now there is SO MUCH MORE to do. Baby clothes to be washed, closet transitioned from maternity to regular, house to be cleaned. But all this means running stairs a thousand times and that does not a recovered mother make. So I've learned to ask for help, and lots of it.

I still have plans to share details (for those interested) on the labor itself, breastfeeding, the amazing amount of people who come out of the woodwork to offer blessings and presents and maybe a few other gems. It has been such an unbelievable journey.

Just trying to get up and running here. Thank you for all your notes and thoughts. can't wait to introduce you to the little guy.

Wow - just wow.

We sprung Ben from NICU yesterday afternoon - he cleared his cultures, normalized respiration and was approved for discharge. We hugged Bethany goodbye (his nurse during his stay), confirmed there was no way we could bring her home with us, and drove off as a family for the first time.

Last night was ROUGH. Full details on all worthwhile stories from this week to come soon, but we're taking one day at a time.

Today we made it to the peditrician and I had a lactation consultant come to the house. All of last night's desperation, fatigue and dispair was washed away with one perfect latch from Ben. We are totally in business.

Everyone tells you a million times that this is a crazy ride but you can't really grasp it until you're experiencing it yourself. And I'd guess we haven't even scratched the surface yet.

In the end, the part that makes it all possible is his beautiful little face. And his tiny little eyes. And the chirps he makes when he needs something. I've never felt such an overpowering emotion as the one I do when I look at him. He is amazing.

More to come...

Much better day - we've been down in NICU all day and just taking a quick break to take care of a few things. Ben's levels all look good today - he earned himself feeding rights this morning. Thank goodness b/c he was very hungry when he got up.

Here he is enjoying his first bottle (we haven't given up on breastfeeding but this situation has definitely added a new challenge). All signs pointing towards release tomorrow.

Full details on situation to follow once we get home. Thanks for all your well wishes, they've definitely been appreciated!

We are so excited to welcome Benjamin Ryan (yesterday, 3/9), weighing in at 7lbs 8oz and 20 inches. He is gorgeous and perfect.

I will send additional details, had hoped to do so today. We hit a baby Ben-sized wrinkle. He logged an elevated heart rate last night and again this morning - and ultimately he was admitted to NICU.

Big picture, I believe he is OK. They've suggested he may possibly have an infection in his lungs and would need antibiotics and lead to a week's stay. I'm hoping test results tomorrow will reveal otherwise and he'll complete 48 hrs of antibiotics and come home Thursday - just one night at the hospital alone. I could cry, but overall he is OK.

Will be back with more details once our little family is checked out and healthy, but he is so beautiful, the pictures don't come close to doing him justice. We appreciate your prayers :)

xoxo

39+ weeks = mini watermelon

Not sure how I missed it in the Baby Center alert that came through this week but estimated size of baby is now mini watermelon...you always hear the analogy of "squeezing a watermelon" but who wanted to imagine there was any truth to it?

Due date is just 6 days away and I'm actually still hoping to go a little late, here are a few reasons why:

- big work event is this Tuesday and we've all been working so hard, it'd be nice to see it all the way through to the finish;
- also work-related, to come out on the other side of this event and have a few days to catch up on all the misc details that need to be wrapped up/covered off on while I'm out, would be delightful;
- there are a few tiny details left to cover off on to get baby-ready, and while not critical, it would be nice to knock them out;
- I'm honestly not at my whits end yet. I'm nearing that place, but I can absolutely make it another 14 days, give or take;
- and selfishly, perhaps the biggest reason of all, is that the longer I wait to have the baby, the longer I'll be on maternity leave!

I think I calculated that delivering March 13 means I go back June 5? Something like that. Imagine if I could stretch it just a little longer...so we can take walks when it is warm. I can plant my garden before going back. We can have lunch with our friends outside. I just love the summer, and enjoying the patio, and soaking up the sunshine...the more of it I can take advantage of, the better.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm going to cook a delicious dinner tonight, meatloaf with mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts. Yum. Mom got me the spice combination for the fruit and nut mix I love from Naples, so that is in the works too.

A little kitchen adventure after eating out or delivering in much of the last couple weeks. It will be nice.

Hope you had a great weekend. Cheers.

Gliding into the weekend...

Happy, happy day!

Doctor's appointment went well this am, status quo with BP and all other developments. We're officially at 39 weeks, which is fantastic. If babes hasn't arrived by next Friday, I'll start inquiring about an induction.

And back at the ranch - the changing table arrived, as did the GLIDER (look at how gorgeous it is!!), and the bedding!! Hubby is ready to shoot me b/c of course they came as four separate deliveries, four separate trucks, and all he sees are dollar signs going out the door.

But the glider is amazing, so soft and pretty and glidy. The changing table needs to be assembled and the bedding can't be washed and put on until we know the gender (bought two sets of sheets) but we're SO close. The only thing we're waiting on is the Bugaboo, coming next week.

And of course the baby :)

It is a gorgeous, sunny, warm Spring day.

It is Friday.

The big work event is four days away and coming together nicely.

I have showered, have an outfit and make up on.

It's a happy, happy day.

If you need me, I'll be gliding in the nursery.

I feel compelled to write, though I have nothing at all to report.

Do you remember in Shawshank Redemption when the main character gets sent to the hole for a month after he calls the warden "obtuse?" A month in the hole is unheard of, and then the warden makes him stay another month, and then another?

That is what I feel like.

Except that rather than growing a beard, I'm growing a belly.

Thank goodness I am slammed with work. Like conference calls at 9pm last night slammed. Because otherwise I think I'd be looney tunes. Though I'm still kind of going crazy a little...

It is really, really nice outside today so I think I may break all the rules and take Stella for a second walk. I need to break up the monotony a little.

Tomorrow is 39 weeks which is really exciting. We're basically cooked at this point, which is what doctor's wanted. Appointment tomorrow, update to follow. Stay well and do something active for me.