I'm there. Here.

OK. I'm ready. I'm not really ready. And I know it will be hard. But I'm over trying to pretend like the situation may change in the next 48 hours. It will be fine. Everyone does it, right? And if for some reason it isn't fine, there are countless options. I have to give it my best shot and I'm sure once I do it will be OK.

Hubby comes home tonight. Late, but it will be so wonderful to have him back. We'll enjoy our last two days bumming around together as a family and then get busy working again.

It's been the hardest, longest, best vacation ever.

:(

Oohs and Ahhs

Another cute video dedicated to dad...we didn't get out of our PJs until the afternoon yesterday :)

Good morning

Good morning from baby Ben :)

A couple pictures...

I still love bath time more than any other. He is so adorable in the tub and wants to like it but still has some reservations. Today he sailed through the whole thing and may have even smiled. Was it because he knew his adorable towel was waiting for him afterward (thanks KB!)? And another cute outfit I found from grandma Es, with his monkey slippers. Seriously.

Ups and Downs

The nanny came today for a few hours so I could show her around, review our expectations and give her some time with Ben before we cut the cord so to speak. Overall it went fairly well.

I realized there are really two things in play here: my confidence in her ability to do the job; and my ability to allow her to do so (without crying).

The good news is I still feel OK about the first. From what I can tell, she seems great with him and has an agreeable disposition. I hope we will work well together. The second may prove more difficult for me. No reason to go into details, surely growing pains are to be expected. But as I listened to Ben cry while going down for his nap, and gave her space to figure things out on her own, it nearly tore my heart out.

On a much happier note, we went to WI this weekend to KJ's lake house for a quick visit and Ben went SWIMMING! With the strongest display of unconditional love seen yet, I put on a bathing suit and twirled him around in the water. Sadly we have no pictures of this first but it was a total joy. Much like the bath tub, you can tell he wants to love it but is still a little uncertain. Fortunately we have the whole summer to work on it.

It's really hard not to wake up today and think 'this is my last Tuesday at home...' I'm trying to focus on the smiles instead, and hugging a little tighter.

Chillin' at Fuel in Wicker Park this afternoon, enjoying Memorial Day weekend. Cheers!

Day two of Ben only waking once to eat during the night. Amazing.

The Worrier

It's time to come clean on a couple things.

First of all, I'm a worrier. Have been for as long as I can remember.

My sis would leave the house to walk the dog in high school and after about 10 min my mind would start cooking up impossible scenarios. With 20 min passed I'd be fearing the worst and wondering when I should alert my mom and call the authorities.

Needless to say she always returned unharmed, but the worry came back again next time she walked out the door.

I've been caught countless times with my hand on hubby's back in the middle of the night, checking to be sure he is still breathing (he laughs at me). And if Stella hops down from bed and disappears, I'm convinced she is getting sick downstairs (this one is actually true more often than not).

It is one of the (if not the) worst character flaw of mine. It fills me with an anxiety I am ordinarily without. It is completely unproductive, and the more I try to stop it, the worse it is.

Don't you worry, it doesn't consume me. Rereading that, it sounds like an ad for anti-depressant meds. It isn't a constant state, happens most often at night and I realize it is irrational. That said, as I'm sure you can imagine, adding Ben into the mix hasn't done much to calm me down.

Like I said, I mostly worry at night. In the light of day (thankfully) these concerns seem as ridiculous as they probably are. But at night I now find myself losing sleep over Ben. Mostly with thoughts of him getting stuck somehow in his crib and not being able to breathe.

There. I said it.

At this point the second confession becomes more relevant: Ben is a tummy sleeper. A full post on this will follow but for now, know he is sleeping on his tummy. Though I had the same sleepless nights when he was sleeping upright in his swing too, just now they seem more valid.

And just like Nancy' Reagan's "This is Your Brain..." campaign scared me from trying any fun drugs in high school/college, the SIDS "Back to Sleep" message haunts me while I try to sleep at night.

Statistically speaking, odds are in his favor. 1 in 1,1500 babies die of SIDS and from what I can tell it is most often in homes with young, poor moms who didn't have good prenatal care, smoke in the baby's bedroom, etc. However you can't aattibute all the cases to those scenarios and regardless of who you are, it does happen.

So now it is 2am (or 3, 4 or 5am) and I am staring at the monitor, watching Ben's back for signs of breathing (when we were in the same room, I was actually getting up several times a night to touch him). Even writng this is now I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it is what it is.

Perhaps I should be grateful that I've contained the worry to this alone, rather than being overwhelmed by every possible scenario. Regardless, it needs to stop because I'm driving myself crazy and missing out on the success tied to longer nights of uninturrupted sleep from the little guy.

Surely some amount of worrying is to be expected and comes with the territory. But as is the case with most things in life, balance is key. We will all be better for it in the end.

And then I can get busy worrying about Ben falling off his bike and getting good grades...

(Forced) Change is Good

From the start I said I'd want "the baby" out of our bedroom as soon as possible. That was before "the baby" was Ben, and before I really understood all the complexities that go into being a mom.

There is the worry (entire post coming on this shortly), the reality (of still feeding him 1-3 times a night), and the comfort (of having him close - which kind of ties with worry but also lives alone).

He started in our room b/c his nursery is in the basement and we sleep on the second floor. Logistically there was no other way. But as he begins to sleep longer through the night (thank God), the question becomes when does he move out of the nest?

Hubby has asked, thankfully not in an accusatory tone, mostly because he misses reading before bed, and I've put him off blaming the feeding schedule.

How do you know when the time is right? I'll miss the little guy. I get up a half dozen times a night to look at him (also addressed in "the worrier"), and love listening to his grunts and breathing.

As is often the case, change was forced upon us. With the warmer days comes the uncomfortably hot sauna that is our bedroom in the summer. Even with the air on full blast, and three fans going, the upstairs never really gets very cold. Last summer hubby bought "R2D2" - this giant eyesore of a portable airconditioner - just to make it tolerable to sleep.

But with a hot night suddenly prompting a full sweat, there wasn't time to dig the machine out of hiding, especially given Ben would ultimately move downstairs regardless.

And so we took the plunge. Really hubby spearheaded the effort with the appropriate calm air, while I was running around confused and a little freaked out. We have a "system" upstairs. How will we transition everything tonight?!

The little guy went down without noticing anything different (we've been doing daytime naps down there so it is familiar), and had a great night, followed by a huge nap later in the day.

Last night he had his best sleep ever - going down at 7:30pm, up to eat at 2am, and back down until 8am.

Truth be told, we made the move too. Hubby and I took to the spare bedroom next door. Partially to be close to Ben (me) and partially because the temp is so much more comfortable downstairs (hubby).

And you know what? The whole thing has been pretty liberating. Granted I only slept an hour the first night, the rest of the time was spent staring at the monitor which I had laying on my pillow. But last night I had one of the best night's sleep I've had in awhile. And everything was OK when I got up (the worrier).

With this I feel like something has shifted. Hubby and I have our night time routine back, just us. Ben seems to love it and (time will tell) also seems to be sleeper better during the day. With my return to work rushing closer by the second, it seems like the timing couldn't be any better.

Stella hasn't yet made the move. I found her sprawled out, big as can be, in our bed by herself last night after I was up for Ben's 2am feeding. Happy as a clam.

Given the path I was on, I'm sure hubby would have been prying Ben out of our room six months from now, with me in tears, if we hadn't made the change now.

Ten weeks. That isn't too terrible, right.

And it feels really good.

Thanks hubby for being your even-keeled self, helping me through the first of many times we'll have to loosen our parental grip slightly.

Follow up on Nanny for Hire

Thanks for the input on my Nanny for Hire post. I heard a lot of really great ideas and thoughts from many of you - much appreciated! One great place to start for those facing the same challenge is an article written by one of my co-workers which can be found here (thanks DW!).

I've officially started my "family manual" for Paula and feel better already. Getting organized is the best I can do to prepare for this part. The unannoyomous sentiment from everyone was that it is going to be even harder than I can imagine. But that it will get better with time.

Not surprising and good to know going into it.

The door is still open for thoughts and key learnings.

Thanks!

Breastfeeding is Easy, Part 4

Who knew this challenge would continue??

Now the problem is solely mine. Wardrobe.

The issue is twofold, nursing requires an access to your boobs that most clothes don't provide (think about your cutest dress - you would likely have to take the whole thing off to get to your bra, no?); and I guess I must have been pregnant most of last summer b/c I seem to have ZERO clothing options to even work with in my closet.

This means I have been wearing variations of the exact same outfit for the last three months. Jeans. Nursing tank top. Tank top over that.

While I'm not paving any fashion trends, it has been OK since the only people I've seen with any regularity have been Ben, hubby and Gaston and none of them care (or frankly have even noticed). But now that I'm going back to work, I need to remedy this situation.

I went shopping. I still hate this body (nursing is a miracle weight loss mechanism but nine months of expanding can't be washed away in nine weeks, regardless of your methods - at least not while still eating pizza every night).

I did buy a few things but they all seem to be tank tops and sweaters to wear over tank tops (that look surprising similar sweaters I wore while pregnant and who wears sweaters in June)?

Obviously not the world's biggest dilemma but one I continue to face each morning with no success. Thank goodness we can wear jeans to work now so I can at least fall back to my standard until I sort this out. Though the girls at the office will definitely notice if I wear my uniform every day, even if I do select different colored tank tops.

God Bless You

There is something about his sneezes I think are too cute (OK - I think everything about him is too cute, but others agree on the sneezes). Here is a little video that starts with a sneeze and ends with me startling him with a laugh. Enjoy...

Smiles Still Send Me...

The weekend has come to an end and we had a great visit with my sis! Lots accomplished, including tons of cuddling with Ben and his aunt. We managed to squeeze in a little shopping, sushi, and yard work too.

Tonight we will eat our first salad with lettuce from the garden. I picked a mixture of red leaf, arugula, butter, bib, spinach and a few others. So excited to taste it!

Here is to a great week - a little giggle from Ben to start your Monday with a smile. Video being uploaded as well...

Ben's Stats

Big weekend ahead of us - my sis is coming into town to visit the little guy which will be great fun. We'll also do some early celebrating of my b-day which is on Monday.

Before the week gets away from us I wanted to share Big Ben's digits from his two-month peds appointment, which was on Monday.

He is now 13.4 lbs (up from 10.2) which means he is putting on weight very nicely. He is 23 7/8 inches long, with a head circumference of 16 inches (I'm still unclear why this one matters). For those into percentages, he is 75th percentile for weight/length and 50th for head. All percentages are higher from last appointment.

Overall he is progressing perfectly (I think the doctor's word was actually "normally" but I heard perfectly).

He got his big round of shots and took them like a champ.

Seen here modeling his first shorts-set (thanks Rachel!), resting up for the party ahead.

Have a great weekend!

Tree Lawn Transformation

For all the time and energy I put into the garden, it's amazing the eyesore that has been our tree lawn the last four years. Especially given the majority of the world never makes it to my beautiful backyard oasis.

I have good reason, and it's not that I haven't tried, but none of that matters. Hubby hired someone to come in and fix it once and for all.

They dug out the majority of the bricks, all the plants and weeds; leveled the space flush with the sidewalk; trimmed the tree; planted myrtle and covered the whole plot with mulch.

Viola! It looks AWESOME!

I'm going to add a little fencing this weekend and it will officially be contained, low maintenance and will flourish on its own.

And of course two guys knocked the whole thing out in three hours but whatever. I'm so happy it is finished and looks so nice.

First Flip Video

Hubby - this one's for you.

For everyone else, I promise better quality (more interesting) videos coming soon. Needed to get something up tonight and this is the best footage I have so far. BTW - this is the magical Mr. Sun (which is actually a star).

Cheers.

I'm officially overstimulated. Ben took a 3 hr nap. It's gorgeous. I've planted, filmed a dozen videos, cooked,have 10 posts swirling in my head. I can't stop.

The Coveted Morel Mushroom in My Backyard??

Is it possible that I have morel mushrooms growing in my backyard? I've read a half dozen articles about these sought-after 'shrooms in the last few weeks in everything from Newsweek to Time Out to Maxim (hubby clips articles of interest for me).

As far as I can tell these are the only two out there but I haven't really looked closely. I know I have a few readers are mushroom experts (Mushrooms are a client at work) - so can you tell me, is it true? Are these morels?

And if so, what is the best way to prepare them?

Such a fun surprise...

Nanny for Hire

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I had begun the nanny search. We did hire one - Paula - and she will come one day later this month prior to starting full time on June 1st when I go back to work.

While millions have gone before me doing the same, I have to tell you I'm still struggling with the whole thing. I interviewed about 15 candidates before making the decision, and here is where I find myself conflicted:

- Professionally my hiring record isn't perfect, offering positions to a few folks we ultimately had to let go because they weren't the best person for the job. I don't want my track record to carry over at home;

- Still learning myself, it is hard to outline job descriptions or activities I'm going to want said nanny to do with Ben three months from now;

- While I'm not sure I'd really want to be a stay-at-home mom (in spite of how often I've said contrary), it is still hard to give a total stranger the opportunity to raise my baby.

I officially love this little guy more than I've ever loved anyone in my life (maybe even more than everyone I've ever love combined). And again, I'm going to hand him over to a 20-something girl I've met twice to essentially raise him. Ugh.

Paula was the first gal I interviewed (following a couple candidates from Craig's List) and after meeting with a dozen others, she was still my favorite. She asked to hold Ben (surprising the number of women who didn't); seemed very comfortable with him; she has great past experience; her references spoke very highly of her; she talked a lot, and very fondly, of "Jack," the little boy she is currently watching; and overall she just felt right.

So I'm left to hope for the best. Yet I see countless nannies out with their charges when Stella, Ben and I are out in the neighborhood. They are on their cell phones while pushing strollers, or hanging with other nannies, and it is hard not to wonder what Ben and Paula will be doing while I'm at work.

I draw comfort from the fact that hubby is frequently home throughout the day, and will be able to monitor daily events to some extent. And the fact that millions have gone before me. It will be fine, right?

Ugh.

I've also already had a dream that I was two hours late to work my first day back, unsuccessfully figuring out how to get Ben up, feed him, get ready myself and make it out the door.

I hope the next three weeks pass at a snail's pace. I've got a long way to go before I find peace with this.

Dad Saves the Day

To close the loop on last week's crisis, all is right in the world again. Dad found Mr. Sun (which is actually a star, oatmeal brain) in Bloomington, IL on Friday. The story goes that he was in BRU (Babies R Us), in his suit, in between sales meetings, explaining to the sales associates what he needed - the Disney Baby Einstein play gym with motion-activated star. Once located, he actually made the gals take out the star to confirm it was the exact one we were replacing.

Ben is noticeably more cheerful on his new playmat - it has some other cool upgrades too - but the star is really the winner. He is kicking away and making music once more.

Is hubby an awesome dad or what?

Best (first) Mother's Day Ever!

Today has been the best day! Hubby made me this fabulous spread for breakfast in bed - his signature Mexican omelet, bacon, yogurt, hot rolls, coffee and juice. Amazing and delicious. (note his clever use of the changing table, converted into serving tray :) )

He also babysat Ben this am so I could get an extra hour of sleep, gave me the nicest card, booked me a massage this afternoon and got me a Flip video so I can start posting more videos here. And we went on a big family walk in the neighborhood, my favorite.

Thanks love for knocking it out of the park and spoiling me today. I feel like a queen and am loving every minute of it. xoxo

Happy Mother's Day!

A big smile from Ben for all the moms, grandmas and great grandmas out there today.

xoxo

Benjamin is having such a cute day. He is SUPER smiley, clean & soft from a big bath and wearing an adorable outfit. I can't stop squeezing him. XOXO

Establishing a Sleep Schedule

The thing that keeps slipping my mind is that Ben's sleep behaviors continue to evolve, just like the rest of him. And while establishing a schedule and being consistent is really important, there should be flexibility based too.

For example, I've been putting him to bed between 8-9pm the last couple weeks with great success. Prior to that he had been going down much later, after his 11pm feeding. He took to it immediately. He is a good night sleeper, God Bless. He doesn't fuss, just lays down and falls asleep. The last few days he has been fussing earlier and showing signs of sleepiness but I've resisted sending him to bed earlier. Not really sure why, perhaps to protect the schedule.

Last night though he just conked out at 8pm, I tried to keep him up to no avail. I was tired too so I just gave in. And what happened? He slept his longest stretch yet - till 3am. And then after his morning feeding, slept another 2 hours.

All the books say it, but it is so counterintuitive - sleep begets more sleep. I'm trying really hard to establish consistent daytime napping and I'm hoping with a few tweaks to our night time routine, this too will slip into a nice routine. He is down in the cave now, squeaking but attempting a nap.

Sweet dreams...

Super dad found Mr Sun @ Babies R Us in Bloomington, I'll. Yay!!

Costco no longer sells Baby Einstein play gym with Mr Sun. Hitting Target tonite. Ben, none the wiser (yet) has returned to his angelic disposition today.

Rainy day, inside and out

Days with no naps suck. Poor little guy has fought me, and won, since waking up this morning and is too tired to see straight. He is spitting up more and a different consistency. Could that be it? Calling ped tomorrow if this continues. He still sneaks in a smile periodically so I know he wants to be his perfect self, just fighting a force greater than him right now.

Next up, crisis in the house. Ben's play gym sun (the toy that lights up when he kicks the side brackets - as seen in recent video) is dead. Dead. Changed batteries (twice). It now sings this horrible, muffled, Satanic verses type of noise that is surely damaging his ears and brain.

WTF?!?!

Mr Sun is the first toy he loves and interacts with. How could this happen?? It's from DISNEY?! Hubby and I are working two computers to try to find a replacement; and discussing hitting Costco tonight to buy a whole new play gym just to get a new one.

He dances to the music. We can't live without it.

Yes, this is our life now. And I'm proud to say, I'm just fine with it (except for the part where Mr. Sun is dead of course).

Wow - I am officially posting via text from my phone. I can't believe how easy it was to set up and how long I've been missing out.

Test - this changes everything if this works...

Cutest pictures yet??

Ok, I'm biased but is this the CUTEST little boy you've ever seen? Ben in his Winnie the Pooh sleeper, first sitting up and then laughing.

Another Bottle Sir?

For the countless amount of resources out there on bottle vs breast feeding, there is surprisingly little on how much to actually feed your baby once you integrate bottles (of breast milk) into their lives. They suggest doing so around 4-5 weeks, which we did. And it is a good idea to give him 4-5 bottles a week just so he remains familiar with the concept.

Bottle feeding is great b/c it allows me the freedom to get away for a couple hours and it also gives hubby a chance to hang with the little fella (Ben loves drinking with his dad).

The challenge is with BF you obviously never know how much they are eating. So when it comes time to put milk into a bottle it is a big guessing game. I started with a 4 oz bottle initially, b/c I'd read something that said they would take 3-3.5oz at his age. He plowed through the whole thing. This has happened repeatedly so I have been gradually increasing the amount we've been giving him.

This week I poured a 6oz bottle - sure that he couldn't eat more than 5oz. - and wouldn't you know it, he chugged the whole thing (and apparently was kinda pissed there wasn't more).

The second part of this equation that is confusing is the amount of milk I'm currently producing, and presumably he is eating when not getting a bottle. When he doesn't eat with me, I have to pump. And I've never pumped 6oz before.

So where does that leave us??

Am I starving him? Is he just drinking big to impress his dad? He is growing like a weed so I'm not overly concerned, just a little curious how it all shakes out.

I guess we'll just keep increasing the amount and see where we land. Babies aren't capable of overeating so there is really no harm in letting him pound down a toddler-sized bottle if that is what he wants. Wait till you see his pictures this week. He is SO BIG!

The Joy of Running

It's hard to say which one of us is more out of shape, Stella or me, but we lumbered through our first post-baby run this morning and it was glorious. We knocked out our old 3 mile loop and while it took longer than usual, we finished it with relative ease.

It is a beautiful spring morning, with the sun out, birds chirping, flowers blooming and everything is green. Is there anything better than running through the neighborhoods early in the morning when the rest of the city is sleeping?

Many more updates to come. The grandparents have all packed up after spoiling the little guy to death. Hubby is home from his trip to St. Louis.

I'm looking forward to getting back into our routine, which hopefully will now include a daily morning run. It just feels so good...

Marriage: Post Baby

I've noticed having a baby has had a surprising effect on our marriage...

Admittedly, the first couple weeks with baby Ben were pretty tough. Simply put - sleep deprivation is cruel. The side effects include extreme exhaustion, blurry thoughts, inability to deal with ordinary challenges, impatience, etc. Roll in stress, uncertainty and a crying baby - it's a recipe for high levels of tension.

However, on the other side, I've noticed a really awesome change in our marriage.

Before baby (bb) the unspoken key to our success was our individual independence. While married, we both thrived on our ability to do our own thing (work late, hit the gym, go out with friends, travel, etc.) without much worry of upsetting the other.

Now, we are much more of a team. There is too much for one person to do and responsibilities seem to constantly shift between us. The nice thing is, it has happened seamlessly and we've slipped into an existence that seems natural and familiar.

Accomplishments are shared, regardless of who's watch they occurred under. Responsibilities shifted, given overall load.

Maybe this is obviously, but I noticed tonight that we're so much more powerful working together as two than individually. It was never necessary before but as a team, we've navigated a challenging (newborn) part and look forward to celebrating the victories moving forward!

Where one may have been on for night dog walks, the other is picking up the slack. Or laundry loaded by Responsibilities are divided. Accomplishments shared - regardless of who actually was there. Baby smiled; dog behaved; bills paid - high fives for the team.

It has been seamless and we've slipped into new behaviors that seem natural though we likely wouldn't have been successful had we tried We've seamless slipped into a collaboration that feels comfortable, though it's the first time we've worked together to keep the household together. Dog. Baby.

As I mentioned, it has all been We love spending time togetherAnd I've often lived by the philosophy "ept our lives and has pretty powerful side effects including blurry confusion, the side effects can't be under estimated. However on the other side, I've noticed some really awesome developments for us.

I've always loved being married, for a thousand reasons that I won't ramble on about. One thing about us that was particularly appealing to me, however, was our ability to remain pretty independent while married. We both basically lived ou

However we've experienced an unspoken evolution where we've become much more of a team, working towards a common goal - generally speaking, keeping this little guy alive and well.