Nanny for Hire

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I had begun the nanny search. We did hire one - Paula - and she will come one day later this month prior to starting full time on June 1st when I go back to work.

While millions have gone before me doing the same, I have to tell you I'm still struggling with the whole thing. I interviewed about 15 candidates before making the decision, and here is where I find myself conflicted:

- Professionally my hiring record isn't perfect, offering positions to a few folks we ultimately had to let go because they weren't the best person for the job. I don't want my track record to carry over at home;

- Still learning myself, it is hard to outline job descriptions or activities I'm going to want said nanny to do with Ben three months from now;

- While I'm not sure I'd really want to be a stay-at-home mom (in spite of how often I've said contrary), it is still hard to give a total stranger the opportunity to raise my baby.

I officially love this little guy more than I've ever loved anyone in my life (maybe even more than everyone I've ever love combined). And again, I'm going to hand him over to a 20-something girl I've met twice to essentially raise him. Ugh.

Paula was the first gal I interviewed (following a couple candidates from Craig's List) and after meeting with a dozen others, she was still my favorite. She asked to hold Ben (surprising the number of women who didn't); seemed very comfortable with him; she has great past experience; her references spoke very highly of her; she talked a lot, and very fondly, of "Jack," the little boy she is currently watching; and overall she just felt right.

So I'm left to hope for the best. Yet I see countless nannies out with their charges when Stella, Ben and I are out in the neighborhood. They are on their cell phones while pushing strollers, or hanging with other nannies, and it is hard not to wonder what Ben and Paula will be doing while I'm at work.

I draw comfort from the fact that hubby is frequently home throughout the day, and will be able to monitor daily events to some extent. And the fact that millions have gone before me. It will be fine, right?

Ugh.

I've also already had a dream that I was two hours late to work my first day back, unsuccessfully figuring out how to get Ben up, feed him, get ready myself and make it out the door.

I hope the next three weeks pass at a snail's pace. I've got a long way to go before I find peace with this.